SECmedia daysonce were a place where a coach could beserved a subpoena, where another coach explained his farm duties asa turkey inseminator, and where Nick Saban said being an agent wasakin to being "a pimp." To say they were a magical place would overstate their glory. Even in the best of times, SEC media days were a souped-up series of news conferences in a hotel ballroom with the air conditioner blasting. But, they became a highlight of college football's dog days of summer. Those days are in the past. SEC media days morphed into glorified infomercial programming for the conference's television network. Perhaps because they know their words will be broadcast on the SEC Network across the hinterlands, with clips highlighted on ESPN, or perhaps because coaches simply are more reticent than ever, for fear their words will be tweeted and retweeted, the news conferences became snoozefests. Also, in this 24/7/365 nature of college football media coverage, fans no longer depend on media days to get a preseason jolt of information and buzz about their team. In short, they're a relic that persisted past the point of utility. They'll muddle on in their current state on Monday, when the SEC's four-day talkathon begins in Atlanta. Media days are sure to revivedebates about the future College Football Playoff format, and coaches will update us on how it's been operating in the aftermath of the House legal settlement, which uncorked revenue-sharing with athletes and instituted an NIL clearinghouse in an attempt to regulate third-party deals. When it's all over, we'd have been more entertained and better informed if someone would have reminded us how to properly inseminate a turkey. BEST OF BEST:Our list of the top 25 quarterbacks this season STACK THE DECK:Why the Big Ten wants to rig the playoff While the coaches curtail their remarks on the main stage with the television cameras rolling, here's what they won't say – but might be thinking: Ask me about mygolf handicap. Have you ever seen a football coach hit a power fade like I do? Speaking of which, I'm due for a tee time. It would be nice if you guys stopped comparing me to Saban and started comparing me to Hugh Freeze. Oh, and feel free to ask me about ourrecruiting ranking. It's better than my golf handicap. I see Nick Saban seated in the back of the room. Coach,anything else you'd liketo say aboutplaying road gamesin Vanderbilt's stadium? If you're wondering about my$1 million donation to jumpstart a donor drive, check out our roster and see what we bought. And, I'm due a $1 million bonus, plus a hefty raise, when I win my first national championship. Some would call that $1 million donation an investment opportunity. Y'all get a good look, because this is the last time you'll see me here. My bags arepacked for Lake Hamilton. Just waiting on that buyoutcheck, and then I can crack me a col' beer and leave all this behind, fun as it was. Sheesh, I never thoughtKirk Ferentzwould last this long at Iowa. Ah, well. Sam, how do you like it down there at Lake Hamilton? Got room for one more? Just as long as youdon't invite John Calipariover. We learned a valuable lesson from ourbreakup with Nico Iamaleava: No more hitching the Big Orange wagon to quarterbacksclad in pajama pants. We wish him well, as he adjusts to California's income-tax rate. I won two national championships with Stetson Bennett IV. You really think I can't win one with Gunner Stockton? Let me get this straight: If we win the national championship, that means Iscrewed up by not starting Arch Manninglast season? And if I don't win the national championship, that means I'm the coach who couldn't win a national championship with Arch Manning? Imagine what I could have done with that No. 1-ranked recruiting class Jimbo Fisher squandered. I don't mean to brag, but, I'm thinking a statue is in order after beating Dabo Swinney twice in the past three years. No way Beamer gets a statue before me. Guess how many SEC teams own more wins than Missouri the past two years? Just Georgia and Texas. And they're lucky they don't play us this season! Just kidding, we're happy to play Arkansas, Vanderbilt and Mississippi State. I'm just here because someone told me I had to be. Any questions? No? Good. Do I think we could make the playoff this year? Maybe, if only we could play Mississippi's schedule. Brother, you want to talk about tough schedules? Look at ours, and tell me someone isn't trying to get me fired. Florida boosters, listen up. My phone number is … Blake Toppmeyeris the USA TODAY Network's national college football columnist. Email him atBToppmeyer@gannett.comand follow him on X@btoppmeyer. This article originally appeared on USA TODAY:SEC football coaches at media days if they said what was on mind
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