Christina Applegatehas rarely let difficulty keep her from sharing her truth, as she proves while opening up about an abusive relationship in her teens that led to her getting an abortion at 19.
Inher new memoirYou With the Sad Eyes, published Tuesday, theMarried…With Childrenactress reflects on the long-term relationship with an abusive boyfriend that began in her late teens. It was with this unnamed beau that Applegate, now 54, found out that she was pregnant in 1991, and eventually chose to have an abortion.
"In late April 1991, I fell pregnant. I want to turn away from what happened, but it's all recorded in my diary," Applegate writes in the memoir delving into her tumultuous life prior to stardom. "There are moments in my life that are too painful to force into narrative or meaning, so I'll let my voice from back then speak."
In the excerpts from Applegate's old journals, she laments discovering that she was "6 1/2 weeks pregnant."
"Two days before I found out, I got into a car accident on the way to the gynecologist. My car didn't survive, but luckily, I did," a young Applegate wrote. "I knew I was pregnant. I couldn't understand why even though I was watching my eating I still felt fat. I couldn't understand why sex made me sick and I cried at the drop of a hat. Now I know. I always felt that if I ever got pregnant when I knew it was the wrong time, I wouldn't have any problem having an abortion. 'Oh, whatever, it isn't even a baby yet.' That's bulls---, this creature is incredible. It makes me feel whole, safe..."
It was her partner at the time that "opened" Applegate's eyes to why her situation was untenable. "My boyfriend said I was a disgusting, self-obsessed, eating-disordered fat pig today (not in so many words)," she reveals. "That opened my eyes a great deal...I don't really understand my relationship anymore. It isn't good. Sometimes I don't think it's worth it... I feel I have lost myself somewhere, and I can't find her for the life of me."
Applegate — who recalls watching her single mom, actress Nancy Priddy, struggle with a heroin addiction and a physically abusive boyfriendin the memoir as well— writes about her own experience with physical abuse at the hands of her unnamed boyfriend, at one point detailing an incident where she was almost certain he would kill her.
"When I look back, I realize something: he seemed to have gotten great enjoyment out of treating me like that," she writes. "He seemed to take pleasure in making me truly believe he was going to kill me. My all-consuming fear appeared to satisfy him. I felt like he could see the terror in my face, how his anger made my body useless. It's as if making me cry, making me feel terror, and my showing him that terror in my eyes had been enough for him. It seemed as though he had gained some power, as though that's what he liked."
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It was with that in mind that Applegate made her decision to end her pregnancy. Things quickly took a turn "only days" after she confirmed that she was expecting, theDead to Mealum shares. Her younger self had self-committed to "killing my child" as she agonized over where she could go to "recuperate from murder..."
"His family will hate me when they find out that I killed their family member because they don't believe in it. But I can't have this baby because I have work to do to entertain this f---ing world. Besides, I can't... now," she writes.
In an entry dated June 13, 1991, Applegate reveals that "it's over," writing: "I feel pretty okay. Just kind of woozy. That gives me no time to realize what I have done. Which is most likely the best right now."
She continues, "I was looking over what I'd written yesterday and just have to laugh. My emotions were extremely warped (I really don't feel that way. Honestly, I think when you're pregnant you tend to feel that way about the male figure in your life). My life is pretty wild. I could seriously write a book. I guess this kind of is."
Years later, the actress welcomed daughter Sadie LeNoble with her musician husband Martyn LeNoble. During an appearance onJimmy Kimmel Livelast month, Applegate revealed that she actually shared her journals with the 15-year-old to show that she understands what she's going through as a teen.
"I let her go through that one because I was like, 'You're not unique in the sense of like -- just understand that your mom understands it, right?'" she told the host at the time. "'You know, that like you're hurting and I'm sorry, I'm going to say ... s--- happens, and it's awful.' I needed her to like see that her mom understood that it hurts."
Applegate, whorevealed in 2021that she had been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, previouslyalluded to her past strugglesduring a 2019 interview with NPR in which she rejected the notion that she's an unrelatable elite.
"My past is no different and also probably a lot darker than a lot of people's," she said at the time. "So I really do take offense when people think that I've had a silver spoon in my mouth and that I haven't seen the dark side of life."
You With the Sad Eyesis now available to purchase wherever books are sold.
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